Sounds

7 September 1985

Singles reviewed by Jack Barron

GLENN GREGORY AND CLAUDIA BRUCKEN ‘When Your Heart Runs Out of Time’ (ZTT)
TOYAH ‘World in Action’ (CBS)
STRAWBERRY SWTCHBLADE ‘Jolene’ (Korova)
KAJA ‘Shouldn’t Do That’ (Parlophone)
CARLY SIMON ‘My New Boyfriend’ (Epic)

Lemmy Brooooce rubbed his unshaven face. He knew his habit was getting way out of hand. Hs friends shunned him, even the AIDS victims. The stalking shambles of flesh did have two unique qualities though – breath that could tear the skin off a musician at 200 yards and a rare edition joke book. The latter is why Jack Barron had commissioned him to go to the Palace.

‘You’ll have to come back with some scalps before I’ll give you a clean razor,’ the writer had warned. Brooooce didn’t want the job, but fertile facial hair was a dreaded habit.

Inside the environs of the Palace he soon tracked down Paul Morley who was still wet from Maaan’s earlier splashing. ‘ “When Your Heart Runs Out of Time” is positively the most useless artefact ever to come from ZTT,’ greeted Lemmy, ‘when did your vision desert you?’

‘But this is art, dear,’ snapped Glenn and Claudia coming to Morley’s defence. ‘It must be, it’s from Nic Roeg’s new film, you know, Insignificance?’

Lemmy thought about replying with the obvious, ‘so is that the name of your band, Claudia and Glenn?’

Instead he decided to be more subtle and lighting a Gauloise, he said ‘what was it like to lose the 1966 World Cup, Frau Brucken? No worse than this record I trust?’

Claudia self-immolated with embarrassment.

Hah, Lemmy gloated, I’m beginning to enjoy this gig…

Upon overhearing the mention of a football war, Toyah went into a song and dance routine. ‘Where will you go when the sirens blow? / Will you run helter skelter in search of a shelter / Or will you lie low?’ she whined.

‘No,’ Lemmy A-bombed, ‘I’d rather commit suicide b swallow and choking on your lyrics, though I appreciate your concern’.

True to tradition, the scene in the Palae powder room was getting more desperate by the hour. Strawberry Switchblade, who in their early daze Broooce had a rush on, were squabbling over one of Dolly Parton’s cast-off songs. Lemmy couldn’t stand all that potential talent going to waste, so taking out his joke book he uttered an infallible spell.

‘What do you all two girls being supported by a weightlifter? Dumbelles!’

Shaaaazaar! Jill and Rose had been turned into little green frogs. The spell had worked… only now there were three of them and they were hopping around to a horribly familiar disco-beat. Broooce’s face drained of alcohol. He recognised the pap. It was Kajagoogoo back from hell.

There was not time for niceties. Lemmy grabbed the frogs and put them into an electric blender, poured the result into a glass and toasted Carly Simon’s memory.

‘Anyone who can make a record as self-demeaning and nauseous as “My New Boyfriend” deserves sympathy,’ he rationalised as he stepped out into the street.

Before he could go ten yards, however, he tripped over the filleted body of Tom Maaan. Marina had mugged Maaan and gone to join The Stingrays. Lemmy knew Tom had been working on some serious rock criticism, so he searched the deceased quickly. Finally, he found what he was looking for. Heh, this should make me some money out of Barron, sniggered Lemmy as he began to read the following…